Why Setting Boundaries is Essential in Early Sobriety (And How to Do It)

A lack of boundaries and grey area drinking go hand in hand. Without boundaries we often feel overwhelmed, exhausted, resentful, angry, tense, and frustrated. These feelings are signs that our boundaries are weak or non-existent. We might be taking on too much at home or at work. We are giving more of our time and energy to everyone else, and our own needs are coming last. At the end of the day, when we are exhausted, wine takes the edge off these feelings (temporarily). Grey area drinking works in a cycle of hard, exhausting days, followed by drinking to unwind.

Before quitting alcohol in 2019, I had zero boundaries. I always felt overwhelmed, exhausted, and resentful of anyone who asked for my time or energy. And yet I never said No. As a result, I drank. Drinking was a quick escape from those feelings, but a terrible long-term solution. Setting boundaries is vital in breaking this cycle.

Signs we need boundaries:

We feel overwhelmed.

We feel resentful toward people asking for help.

We have no time for ourselves.

We might make comments (often under our breath!) about the fact no one ever helps us with anything.

We fantasise about escaping our lives somewhere no one can reach us.

We feel taken advantage of by others. 

What does it look like to have ‘healthy boundaries?’


Setting healthy boundaries means saying things like, “Thank you for the invite, but I’m tired and can’t make it,” or “I would love to help you move house, but I’m not available this weekend.” It means telling your employer, “I won’t be checking emails after 6 PM,” or explaining to your family that you need a shared list for household chores to ensure everyone contributes fairly. Boundaries allow us to say "No" to others so we can say "Yes" to ourselves.

Different Areas for Boundaries

Work
It’s vital to define our work hours and stick to them. To not take on more than we can handle and to make it clear that we’re not available during holidays or weekends. Your employer will take from you as much you give, so it’s important to set limits. Decide what time you’ll finish work each day and avoid checking your phone for work emails outside of those hours.

Family
Perhaps a boundary needs to be set with relatives who drop by unannounced. Ask them to plan their visits at a day and time that works for you. With children, establish rules about when they need to turn off their devices and go to bed. These boundaries are not just for others—they are for our own wellbeing. Having a sense of order and structure makes us feel less overwhelmed.

Personal boundaries:

• Decide what time you’ll go to bed.

• Decide how much screen time is enough.

• Choose nourishing foods.

• Start a savings account for personal goals.

• Create a regular exercise routine.

Set these personal boundaries first, then apply boundaries externally. It's important to talk about how much you can realistically handle at the end of the day. Many women don’t ask for help and end up feeling resentful and angry that all the chores land on them. We become our own worst enemy. Drinking becomes a way to cope with these feelings. We drink wine while putting away the shopping, cooking, or helping with homework. We think: At least I have this glass of wine for myself.

The Process of Setting Boundaries


Part of the journey to sobriety involves setting boundaries to free up time and energy for our own self-care (getting what we need). This prevents us from ending each day utterly depleted, with no willpower left, and turning to wine as a quick fix.

So, ask yourself, “Where in my life do I need to set boundaries?”

Evaluating Your Needs

Where do you need to set boundaries? Is it with yourself, at home, or at work? How much are you available, and how much can you realistically do? With friends, set the expectation that you can’t drop everything immediately when they ask. Healthy friendships allow for saying, “I know you’ll be disappointed that I can’t be there, but I need to focus on me this week.”

Setting boundaries in early sobriety is vital. It allows us to reclaim our time, protect our energy, and focus on our own wellbeing. By setting boundaries (and keeping them!), we create a more balanced, fulfilling life where sobriety can truly thrive. So, focus more on saying YES to what you need a No to what others need.

Ready to take a 30-day break from drinking? Check out my July 30-Day Alcohol Free Challenge here.