People-Pleasing – Why We Do It and How to Stop!

Are you a people pleaser? Often people-pleasing goes hand-in-hand with grey area drinking. We let our boundaries wobble and we put others first because we are in ‘just coping’ mode. We bury our own true needs to simply ‘get through the day’. We go above and beyond to make other people feel good and we put other people’s opinion of us over our own opinion! The thoughts, judgement and approval of others become our drive. 

How to know if you’re a people pleaser 

  • You can’t say No. You need to be accepted and liked by everyone. You feel the best way to do this is to be agreeable, helpful and put other people’s needs above your own.

  • You feel anxious about what other people think of you. Even strangers. This means you ‘fix’ your behaviours for the outside world to suit what you think others will approve of. Your true self may be a mystery to most.

  • You apologize for things you don’t need to. When things go wrong you automatically take the blame. You agree with people to be liked and say ‘Sorry’ when you sense their disapproval.

  • You fear being labelled ‘selfish’. Your sense of self-worth is proportionate to how much you help or ‘be there’ for others. Putting your own needs first feels wrong.

See yourself here? We often take up people-pleasing as a way to unconsciously appease our guilt over drinking or feelings of inadequacy. We’re not ‘enough’ as we are. We may secretly feel guilt and shame over our drinking so we make sure we are ‘liked’ by everyone.

5 Reasons why you need to stop being a people pleaser – and how to do it

  1. People-pleasing means unhealthy boundaries.

    When our boundaries wobble we spend our lives delaying having our own needs met. This erodes our self-esteem. What to do? Say No – without being sorry about it. There is no need to apologise for prioritising yourself. You don’t need to offer explanations or excuses for saying No. 

  2. People-pleasing keeps you in toxic friendships.

    When we keep people-pleasing we keep saying Yes to the friendships that don’t serve us. The ones that rob us of confidence and self-esteem. What to do? Truly assess how your friends make you feel. Not good? No more pleasing them. Put those boundaries in place.

  3. People-pleasing delays our inner work.

    We sometimes delay our inner work because we don’t feel worthy of putting our needs first. Uncomfortable feelings get pushed further and further away. We need to sit with our hard emotions, no matter uncomfortable, and do the inner work. Believe you are worthy of feeling your feelings. 

  4. People-pleasing makes you feel creatively stuck.

    When we care too much about what other people think, we get creatively stuck. Especially in our work. We may not post about ourselves on social media. We may fear judgement and rejection. We don’t want to go too far ‘out there’. We change this with small, simple steps. Show up in ways that feel authentic and comfortable for you.

  5. People-pleasing robs us of essential time and energy.

    To change this, we need to schedule in time for ourselves. Yes, schedule it in your diary as you would a work meeting! Stick to your You Time and use the time to do what you love, what brings you joy and what adds to a healthy lifestyle.

People-pleasing can be changed. Being aware of it is the first vital step. Don’t be afraid people won’t ‘like you’ if you’re not constantly going out of your way for them. Stop people-pleasing and focus instead on your strength, self-certainty and personal power.

xx Sarah

P.S. Does people-pleasing feel like something you need to further evaluate in your life and let go? Does it feel like it’s part of a version of you that you no longer want to be? Join my Rediscovering Me program where we explore people-pleasing and how to change your relationship dynamics – YOUR way.


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