6 Signs You Need Boundaries (and how to set them)
Here are some signs you need boundaries… You feel resentment towards certain people because they take up too much time and energy. You feel obligated to turn up to events you don’t want to go to. You crave alone time, but you don’t want to appear ‘selfish’, cold, or difficult.
Sound familiar?
It might be time to establish healthy boundaries. A boundary can be thought of as a dividing line to signal to others how we want to be treated and a sign to ourselves what behaviours we will and won’t accept.
Dr Rebecca Ray says, “Think of boundaries as circles of empowerment that teach others how to respect you and ensure you offer that same respect to yourself.”
So, what are the benefits of healthy boundaries?
· Improved relationships
· Less conflict
· More time for ourselves
· Less stress in our lives
· More self-care
· More work/life balance
· Less resentment
6 signs you need boundaries…
1. You feel overwhelmed
You feel torn in too many different directions, or you have too many roles and demands on you. Perhaps you are doing majority of the housework at home or leading a team at work where the bulk of the work lands on your desk. It feels like people want too much from you or are overly dependent on you.
2. You feel resentful when people ask for help but you don’t speak up.
When people ask you to help them you say Yes straight away. You later feel resentment, but you keep these emotions locked inside rather than say NO and disappoint or cause conflict.
3. You feel burnt out
You feel like you never get enough time to fully recharge. You’re running on empty. You wish you could stop and focus on your self-care, but you feel like you must keep going or ‘the wheels will fall off’.
4. You feel taken advantage of
It feels like people are preying on your kind nature. You keep saying Yes, so they keep asking you to do things for them. You’re the kind of person people expect to run kid’s events, social gatherings, and family events.
5. You have no time for yourself
You can’t remember the last time you did exactly what you wanted to do. That feels selfish. You don’t make time for yourself even though you crave it. You think you’ll get around to fulfilling your own needs, one day.
6. You daydream about dropping everything and disappearing
You might fantasise about spending some time in hospital where you will be forced to take a break from everything and everyone. It sounds extreme but women without boundaries secretly feel like dropping everything or disappearing is the only way to get a break!
So, how do we set healthy boundaries? First, we recognise where we need them. We then define our limits. That means assessing what supports us rather than detracts from our wellbeing. Then, we communicate our boundaries with the people in our lives.
That might sound like this…
· I won’t be able to take on <task> I have too much on my plate.
· We won’t be able to go that night, we are booked.
· That doesn’t work for me.
· I can only stay for an hour.
· It makes me uncomfortable when you… If you can’t respect my space, I’ll have to leave.
· I don’t have the emotional capacity to listen right now.
· This is a topic I’m not willing to discuss right now.
· I respect your opinion but please don’t force it on me.
· I would prefer it if you didn’t take my <material procession> without permission.
· I don’t have the energy to help with that right now, but maybe this <resource> will help.
· If you’re going to be late, please let me know so I can plan my time.
Once you’ve established your boundary, uphold it. No need to apologise even though not everyone will understand your boundary. Your in-laws for example may not understand your boundary of “Please call ahead if you are planning to visit” but keep enforcing it. Stay consistent.
Say No!
You’ve heard it before but it’s incredibly hard to do in real time. No doesn’t have to be rude, dismissive, or cold. There’s power in a polite and quiet NO. Try it. Recognise where you need a boundary, set it, uphold it. Your wellbeing will thank you.
P.S. Boundary setting has changed my life. When I gave up drinking, I didn’t know what a boundary was and now I live by them. That’s why I’m running a special 60-minute Boundary Setting Workshop on March 30. I’ll help you create boundaries that honour your own needs and values, build self-esteem, and help you to live a more fulfilling life. Sign up here.