Why Do People Try to Derail Your Sobriety? And What to Do

When you quit drinking, it feels like people will go out of their way to question you. But why? For how long? Why would you? Some will even try to derail your efforts. They’re used to you showing up for them in a certain way (often as a drinking buddy) and it doesn’t suit them when you change. It can be confronting to them that you are changing your relationship with alcohol - when they can’t.

So, why do partners, loved ones, friends, colleagues or even neighbours try to derail your sobriety?

Here are the three top reasons …

1.    Comfort in Familiarity

When someone in your social circle or a family member decides to make a significant change, like quitting drinking, the dynamics are disrupted. Some friends may resist change because it challenges their comfort zone. They’re used to drinking with you, bonding over drinking, and being accepted as they are, glass in hand.

When you don’t join in, the comfort zone is disrupted, and the discomfort often shows up as defensiveness: ‘I only drink when I’m with you! I only have a couple on the weekend. I only drink to unwind.”

2.    Conformity at work

In the workplace, there's a prevailing culture of camaraderie through shared experiences, often centred around drinking. Drinking is seen as a way of fostering a sense of inclusion and conformity. When you’re sober, workmates may perceive sobriety as a deviation from the norm. You’re threatening the culture.

I recently shared on social media that a client of mine’s mocktail was spiked at a work function because a workmate couldn’t stand her being sober. To her, my client’s sobriety was not only abnormal in the work culture but threatened the ‘fun’. She felt my client could only relax at the work function when drinking.

3.    You’re showing them a mirror

Your decision to be sober serves as a mirror reflecting to others their own relationship with alcohol. This reflection can be uncomfortable for those questioning their own choices, leading to resistance or attempts to derail your sobriety. It's essential to recognize that their reactions may be a projection of their internal struggles (not yours). Often a drinking buddy would rather derail your efforts to be sober than face their own problematic relationship with booze.

What to do next…

1.    Communicate Clearly

Open and honest communication is key. Clearly express your reasons for choosing sobriety, emphasizing the positive changes it brings to your life. When I quit drinking, I simply told people I wanted to lose a few kilos. But really, it was far more complex, and alcohol was having an impact on my anxiety.

Many friends tried to derail my sobriety simply because they didn’t know what it meant to me. When you are honest upfront, it not only helps dispel misunderstandings but also sets up a foundation for support.

2.    Prioritise time together away from drinking

Your friend, partner or workmate may try to derail your sobriety because they fear they are losing you. Make sure you spend time with them in a new way. Go for walks, have coffee, or plan to do things you both enjoy.

3.    Set Boundaries

Establishing boundaries is crucial when faced with resistance. Let people know your limits and what you're comfortable with. Say ‘No’ to invitations to events centred around alcohol and ask your partner and friends not to pressure you. Setting clear boundaries reinforces your commitment and lets people know what you won’t tolerate from them.

4.    Build a Support System

Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family who understand and respect your decision. Seek out like-minded individuals online who share your journey, like my Women’s Wellbeing Collective on Facebook. Having a solid sober support system is invaluable in an alcohol-centric sobriety.

5.   Celebrate Your Strengths

Navigating attempts to derail your sobriety can be challenging, but it's important to celebrate your strength and resilience along the way. Your decision to embrace a sober lifestyle is a powerful choice. Stand in your power and own it.

Need some help? Check out my book Beyond Booze: How To Create A Life You Love Alcohol-Free. I’ve written an entire chapter on navigating socialising sober. Pre-order a copy before January 30 and I’ll send you 5 FREE coaching videos to help you fall in love with your sober life. Go here for this special offer.