The 3 Ms of Alcohol Use: Magic, Medicine &Misery. (And What They Mean for Women)
For many women, alcohol doesn’t start as a problem.
It starts as something that works.
It helps you relax.
It helps you feel more confident.
It helps you take the edge off a busy, demanding life.
That’s why conversations about drinking can feel so confusing — and so personal. Alcohol often plays different roles at different stages of our lives.
One of the most helpful ways to understand your relationship with alcohol is through what is known as The 3 Ms of Alcohol Use:
Magic. Medicine. Misery.
Most women move through all three at some point — often without realising it.
1. Magic: When Alcohol Feels Like a Gift
In the Magic phase, often in our 20s, alcohol feels effortless and enjoyable.
It might look like:
Feeling more relaxed or confident after a drink
Finding social situations easier
Feeling lighter, funnier, more “yourself”
Associating wine with reward, connection, or relief
What’s happening biologically is important to understand.
Alcohol:
Increases dopamine, the brain’s reward and pleasure chemical
Temporarily boosts GABA, a calming neurotransmitter
Suppresses the stress response in the short term
In other words — the magic is real.
Alcohol does create ease, relaxation, and connection at first. That’s why it works so well, and why so many women are confused when it stops working later.
But the brain is adaptive.
And magic, by definition, is temporary.
For women, this phase is often shorter due to:
Hormonal fluctuations across the menstrual cycle and perimenopause
Higher baseline stress and mental load
Sleep disruption and cumulative exhaustion
Eventually, the same amount of alcohol delivers less benefit — and more cost.
2. Medicine: When Alcohol Becomes a Tool
This is the phase most women don’t recognise — and where many quietly get stuck.
In the Medicine phase, alcohol shifts from pleasure to function. And this is where the problem lies.
It might look like:
Drinking to unwind or switch your brain off
Using alcohol to manage anxiety, overwhelm, or irritability
Relying on wine to fall asleep (even though sleep quality worsens)
Feeling edgy, flat, or restless without it
Here’s the key shift:
Alcohol stops being optional — it becomes regulation. We simply haven’t taught ourselves how to regulate our emotions without it, and alcohol becomes the “medicine”.
From a nervous system perspective, alcohol becomes a fast-acting coping tool. It artificially lowers stress chemicals like cortisol in the moment.
But there’s a catch.
As alcohol leaves your system:
Stress hormones rebound
Anxiety increases
Sleep becomes lighter and more fragmented
The brain produces less of its own calming neurotransmitters
This creates a loop:
drink → brief relief → rebound stress → stronger urge to drink again
This isn’t a lack of discipline.
It’s a predictable biological response.
Women often stay in this phase for years, telling themselves:
“I don’t even enjoy it that much.”
“It just helps me cope.”
“I can stop anytime — I just don’t want to right now.”
3. Misery: When Alcohol Creates the Problem It Promised to Solve
In the Misery phase, alcohol is no longer helping at all.
It might look like:
Drinking despite not wanting to
Waking with anxiety, regret, or self-criticism
Poor sleep, low mood, or emotional numbness
Feeling trapped in a cycle you can’t think your way out of
By this stage, alcohol has:
Dysregulated the stress response
Disrupted sleep architecture
Altered dopamine and serotonin balance
Increased baseline anxiety and low mood
This is why willpower alone stops working.
The brain is no longer choosing alcohol for pleasure — it’s seeking relief from the discomfort alcohol itself has created.
This is often where shame shows up.
But misery isn’t a moral failure.
It’s a nervous system under strain.
What This Means for Women
Women tend to move through the 3 Ms more quietly than men.
There’s rarely a dramatic rock bottom.
Instead, there’s a slow erosion of wellbeing.
Add in:
Perimenopause and changing hormone sensitivity
Increased alcohol sensitivity with age
Cultural messaging that wine equals self-care
Pressure to stay functional, calm, and “fine”
…and alcohol can move from magic, to medicine, to misery without anyone naming it.
The good news?
Once you understand the pattern, it loses its power.
A More Helpful Question to Ask
Instead of asking:
“Is my drinking bad enough?”
Try asking:
“What role is alcohol playing in my life right now — and is it still helping?”
That question removes judgement and creates choice.
You don’t need to wait for misery.
You don’t need a label.
You don’t need to decide forever.
You just need awareness — and support that works with your body, not against it.
Read more about the 3 Ms of Alcohol Use in my book Beyond Booze, How To Create A Life You Love Alcohol-Free. Order it here on Amazon.
Or let me give you a FREE tool to use when you need to unwind: 20 Ways To Unwind Without Alcohol. Download it here.