My Son Is Turning 14: The Age I Started Drinking. What Do I Tell Him?

As a Grey Area Drinking Coach, I find myself in an uncomfortable position when it comes to talking about alcohol with my soon-to-be 14-year-old son. I started drinking alcohol at the very same age. I want to protect him from the pitfalls and risks I experienced while also giving him self-agency and trust he will make responsible choices.

This is not an easy balance, but here's how I talk to my son about alcohol…

1. I try not to preach (too much!)

The risk of becoming ‘white noise’ around our teenagers is real. Overload them with too much information on how damaging alcohol can be and they will tune you out. Stick to relevant facts you know will land with them. Personally, I want my son to delay drinking for as long as possible, so I tell him about the research that shows drinking at an early age (like 14) can lead to the risk of developing problems with alcohol later in life.

2. I stick to the facts

Knowing the facts about alcohol, the impact it has on developing bodies and brains, and the legal implications of underage drinking is essential. I encourage my son to ask questions and when I give him the facts, I try to keep my own bias and emotions out of it. By understanding the science behind alcohol, told in plain facts, he can make informed decisions.

Here are some basic facts you can share:

• Alcohol contributes to the deaths of more young people than anything else in the world.

• Teens who drink are more likely to be sexually active and more likely to have unprotected sex compared to teens who don’t drink.

• Teens report they are more likely to use illicit drugs after drinking alcohol.

• Someone who starts drinking as a young teen is four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence.

3. I promise not to judge/ freak out

It’s so important for our teenagers to know that mum won’t freak out and judge when they are curious about alcohol and find themselves in social situations involving alcohol. I want to be the kind of parent that, if my kids ever find themselves in trouble, they’ll think, “I need to call my mum” rather than “I can never tell mum about this.”

4. I set boundaries and rules

It's important to establish boundaries and rules in the home. While I can't control every aspect of my son's life, I can set rules regarding alcohol at home. We've agreed on a zero-tolerance policy for underage drinking in our home. This needs to be respected and it doesn’t waver – no matter what the party is for or who is coming over. No underage drinking goes on in my home.

5. I talk about what alcohol is NOT

When I was 14, alcohol appeared to be the answer to everything – loneliness, not belonging and a lack of confidence.... One valuable lesson I learned through my own journey is that alcohol should never be used as a coping mechanism. I emphasise this with my son…

Alcohol is NOT:

• A way to cope when life gets tough

• Confidence

• Escape

• A way to fit in

I talked to him about the importance of seeking healthier ways to deal with stress, anxiety, and peer pressure. Whether it's through sports or talking to someone he trusts. I want him to understand from an early age that there are healthier alternatives.

7. I help him foster a sense of self

Lastly, but most importantly, I remind my son about the importance of self-hood. True self-esteem comes from within, and it's something he should nurture without relying on external substances or situations. When you have a strong sense of self, you are far less likely to be caught up in peer pressure, escape with alcohol or ‘lose’ yourself.

Do you need help changing your own relationship with alcohol to be a better role model for your kids? Join my October 30-Day Alcohol-Free Challenge. Doors are open. Check it out here.