Why Comparing Your Drinking to Others Doesn’t Actually Help

Someone across the table orders a glass of wine, drinks half of it over two hours, and simply stops. No visible negotiation. No refill. And you find yourself wondering, why can't I do that?

So we go looking for a different comparison one that reassures us instead.

I don't drink every night. I never drink in the morning. I don't drink as much as she does. I
can easily go a few days without it. I still get up, work and get everything done.

Why Comparing Your Drinking to Others Doesn't Actually Help

Each one of those things might be true. But each one moves the goalposts a little further away, because there will always be someone drinking differently from us.

If the question you're asking is whether your drinking is bad enough to warrant changing, you can keep finding evidence that it isn't indefinitely. There's always someone who drinks more, more often, or more visibly than you do. That comparison game has no finish line.

That's the part worth sitting with.

The Belief That Keeps Us Stuck: "It's Not Bad Enough Yet"

Somewhere along the way, a lot of us absorbed the idea that wanting something to change only counts once it's bad enough to justify changing it. As if wanting isn't allowed to be its own reason. As if you need a worse story before you're allowed a different one.

This is one of the quiet beliefs that keeps so many women stuck in grey area drinking not because their drinking looks dramatic from the outside, but because it doesn't look "bad enough" to earn permission to change it.

My Own Sober Curious Journey Took Five Years

I was sober curious for about five years before I became alcohol free. In that time, I did several 30-day alcohol-free challenges, questioning my own drinking on and off, without ever having one dramatic moment that told me things had gone too far.

For a long time, I think part of me was still looking for proof that I really needed to change.

What eventually shifted things wasn't a worse night. It was realising I didn't need to decide whether my drinking was bad enough. I needed to decide whether alcohol was adding enough to my life to keep it there.

You Don't Need a Rock Bottom You Need a Reason That's Yours

I hear versions of this inside the Hub all the time. Our relationships with alcohol might look completely different from the outside, but underneath, there's often the same question sitting quietly in the background:

Am I allowed to want this to be different yet?

You don't need it to get worse first.

You are allowed to notice that wine leaves you flatter than it used to, and want that to change. You are allowed to notice that after a couple of glasses you don't like how alcohol makes you feel, and decide that's reason enough. You don't need a rock bottom to back up a preference for feeling better.

The Question Worth Carrying This Week

The question worth carrying with you this week isn't how do I measure up?

It's this:

If nobody else's drinking existed to compare yourself to, what would you actually want for your own?

If you've been waiting for permission that never quite arrived, you might be surprised how many other women have asked themselves exactly the same question.

You were never required to prove anything first.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do I need to hit rock bottom before I can quit drinking? No. You don't need a dramatic low point or crisis to justify changing your relationship with alcohol. Wanting to feel better, think more clearly, or simply feel different is reason enough on its own.

Why do I keep comparing my drinking to other people's? Comparison is a common way of reassuring ourselves that our drinking is "normal" or "not that bad." The problem is there will always be someone who drinks differently, so this comparison can be used indefinitely to avoid change regardless of how you actually feel about your own drinking.

What does "sober curious" mean? Sober curious describes a period of questioning your relationship with alcohol without necessarily committing to being fully alcohol free straight away. It can involve alcohol-free challenges, noticing how drinking makes you feel, and exploring change at your own pace.

By: Caitlin Behrens

If this resonated, you’re invited to join my October Alcohol Reset Challenge - a supportive space to learn the tools, understand your relationship with alcohol, and create lasting change.